feeling empty

Hello loves! It has truly been ages since I have written. For that, I apologize greatly, but I swear I have good reason for my long vacation. Since writing to you last, I turned 17, got my old job back, discovered I had mono for the third time, and done a whole lot of everything else that there is to do when you’re a junior in high school with an impending future, mono, a job, a social life, and a car.

To tell the truth, I’m not entirely sure where this blog is going. Actually, I have no idea what the general direction even is. I guess that says a lot about my life lately. I’ve kind of entered this very “blah” area in my life. Not blah as in not wonderful, blah as in I am doing so many things that they are all running together and I’m not entirely sure if I could sit down and tell you all the things that I did yesterday. That being said, life is moving at lighting speed and I am growing weary.

Life was so good and I was so happy, because Jesus was the center of my everything. So, since life was so good and so happy, I was living it up, making every second count because life is short. But sometime in the midst of living this life, it stopped being so great and started being empty, because I forgot about the reason why it was so great to begin with. And even though nothing had changed, and everything in my life was so happy and so great, I felt empty. I feel empty.

I always write in the past tense, so I think I’m going to write this one in the present. I’ve written about the hard times and written about the low points, but never have I written in the midst of them. So, here goes nothing. I am so incredibly happy in the general sense of the word. Happy as in I smile more than I frown and I like to listen to music with up tempo beats and draw pictures of suns on my hand. But the past month or so has been empty. Yes, I’m happy, but I am sitting here alone wondering where the joy of the Lord is in my life right now. I haven’t truly spent time with the Lord consistently in a very long time, and I know that the way I am feeling directly correlates to that. I was talking to a friend of mine about my current state of being and he asked me one simple question after I had sent a monumentally long four paragraph text. “Have you been reading your Bible every day?” And I sat there with an annoyed look on my face knowing that that was what he was going to say, thinking to myself it can’t be that easy, but really it was. I said “no” and he said “well then Claire what do you expect?”

I’ve had some really hard things happen in my life, but some of those really low points have been some of the most joyful times of my life. It is not our circumstances that define our joy, it is God. God is the source of all joy, and no matter how many happy moments you have in your life, you cannot and you will not be joyful unless God is an active part of your life. I am having a great year. So many wonderful things are happening and so many new things and yeah some hard things have been going on too, but all in all, I have a wonderful life. So why do I feel empty when I turn my lights off at night? Why do I have to have the television on so I don’t have to be in silence? Because right now at this very moment, God is not an active part of my life. And I say that with a heavy and repentant heart. I’m going to submit this post, open my Bible, probably cry, and write to my Jesus begging Him to forgive me because guys I have this wonderful gift that I have been taking for granted and forgetting to make a priority because I have been too busy living this great life that is utterly meaningless without Christ.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading. And don’t forget that even though the sun is shining, it can feel like standing in a rain storm if God is not at the root of everything that you do.

With love,