Hello hello ladies. This post is dedicated to that funny little question of how you fight with your boyfriend and communicate the necessary feelings, but also make sure you don’t hurt each other unnecessarily. It’s tricky to know, because communication and honesty are, in my opinion, two of the most important things in a relationship. But if you’re feeling really angry or sad at your fella, is it right to tell him all of those feelings even if they’re not exactly rational?
I’m no expert. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years (holla holla February 15!!!), so I’m not going to claim that these are bulletproof tools to how to fight well. These are just things Josh and I have learned through a lot (a lot) of fighting fouls. I was fortunate enough to have a man that established these standards for us at the get go, but obviously relationship are hard, and as much as you say you’re going to do something, it often takes trial and error to figure out what works. So, that being said, here are some things I have learned about how to communicate hurts and maintain honesty while also being careful with each other’s feelings.
1. No hitting!
This is the first and most important rule. If you or your boyfriend are using physical violence ever, you need to back that train WAY up because you deserve a lot better. And if you’ve ever fallen victim to this physical abuse in any way, I beg of you to run out of that relationship as quickly as possible.
2. Don’t stray too far from topic, but figure out if it’s deeper than the surface fight
This one is tricky, because a lot of times fights escalate into bigger fights and end up being about something completely different than how they started. I think it is important though, if you are fighting a lot about similar issues to find out the root of the fights. For example, if you have one fight about your boyfriend not texting you, then another about how you haven’t seen him all weekend, then another about how he is always on his phone when you’re together, the root of that fight is probably you feeling unvalued. This then leads to you figuring out together how to make you not feel taken for granted. This way you don’t have to have any more of these fights! However, it is tricky to know when you’re getting to a root or just getting off topic, which leads me to my next point.
3. Don’t use absolutes (never and always)
When things get out of hand in arguments, it’s easy to result to making generalizations by using the words “always” and “never.” If I said, “You always make me feel this way!” as opposed to “I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately,” the entire conversation is different. When you start making big generalizations about each other, that’s when you start to get defensive and/or feelings get hurt.
Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but much like the previous point, if you start saying the word “you,” your boyfriend will automatically get defensive. You have to be SO careful that the fight is not attacking each other, but attacking the problem. If you neglect to respect each other during a fight, even when the fight is over, you will still carry that with you and it will be hard to get past.
5. Don’t forget that you love each other
It’s easy to get caught up in emotions, but you have to remember that you’re fighting because you want to make your relationship work. You have to be so careful not to say anything you will regret. For me, it’s good to sometimes take a little breather and remind myself that I love my boyfriend and I am going through the hard things with him because I want our relationship to grow.
6. Don’t go to bed angry
I can’t stress this enough! Fights are hard, but sleeping on anger makes things so much worse. You wake up reminded that you’re upset, and it creates a huge wall between you and your person. This does not mean every disagreement can be solved in one sitting, but it does mean that you can affirm each other by the end. Some disagreements take a long time to work through, but it doesn’t mean your relationship has to be frozen in conflict. Even if you have stay up all night, I have found that it is very important to end every fight with an “I love you.” As cheesy as that sounds, it is true.
That’s about it, folks. Contact me with any questions or additions/subtractions here! As I said before, I am absolutely no expert and learning every day. Have a sweet sweet Monday and I beg of you do not get the flu.