Losing All Gaining All

There are officially five weeks of school left and it’s been both the longest and the shortest school year of my life. Just thinking back to a year ago is insane because I am a completely different person now. I wish all the time that I could send a letter to myself a year ago and tell myself how much better life would be if I would just not make the following mistakes, and then I could avoid so much heartache.  I know that a year from now though, I will be wishing the exact same thing. If it came down to it and I actually could send a letter to past me, I’m not so sure I really would. Sure, a lot of things could’ve been avoided, but I am who I am today because of the lessons I’ve learned from the mistakes that I’ve made. As cliche as that sounds, it’s really unarguably true. But just for kicks and giggles, here’s what I would say.

If I could write a letter to the me of the past, I would probably only say one thing-

The only One you absolutely cannot live without is Jesus Christ, and everyone and everything else you have in this world, you absolutely do not need.

How I wish I would’ve known this a year ago. It’s something everyone who loves Jesus “knows,” but until you are at the point where you feel like you have lost that one thing that you needed more than anything else, the thing that was your world, you don’t really understand how true it is. No person in the world can live up to the expectations that we often have for them. Your mom isn’t always right, your boyfriend isn’t always going to know what to say, your teachers don’t always care, and your friends won’t always be your friends. Jesus is the ONLY constant. I just wish I could scream that at my crumpled fifteen year old self as I cried in a corner, yelling at God and asking Him why he couldn’t hear me. I wasn’t getting the answer that I was looking for, so I just assumed I wasn’t getting an answer. Sometimes we decide God can’t hear us when we don’t want to listen to what He’s saying back. A year ago today, that was me. I wasn’t listening, so He took everything away and made me listen. I had no choice BUT to listen. It was in that moment, when I was confused and angry and heartbroken, that I was overwhelmed with the peace that surpasses all understanding and I could feel the love of Jesus in every part of my body, lifting me from the hole I had been digging myself into. I was broken, I was abandoned, but I was not alone. In that moment, when I felt completely unwanted by the world, I felt more loved than I had in a year of being engulfed by worldly affection, but feeling utterly alone. It’s when we are alone that we find out we are not, and I’m so glad I was taught this painful, beautiful lesson so early in my life. You never have to fear that your world will fall apart when Jesus is your world.

If anyone hears anything about a time machine, hit me up. Until then, I’ll just be stumbling along the road like everybody else, looking forward but being thankful for the past.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. Psalm 73:25


Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:8

With love,